I have learned that I still handle stress and hurt the exact same way I did 20 years ago when I decided I was DONE being his good girl that just got trampled on. DONE. You know what I do?
RUN from God!
I'm supposed to read my bible....nope! I put that down for 10 years. I'm supposed to go to church? Nope....stepped away from that for 10 years. I'm supposed to love others? Nope....that proves to be too painful.
It explains why I switched schools 3 times during my 4 1/2 years in college. It explains why I never invested fully in any group of people. I can't do hard. I don't want to try. And I am certainly not going to cry or pray about it when I could RUN!
We closed today on our home of 13 years. The home I brought my babies home to. The Lewis Compound, where we were going to live forever!
We expected it to happen June 8th...didn't. Then we were "guaranteed" by the lender it would be before the end of June. (That man made so many empty hurtful promises to everyone involved including the buyers.)
So now, it's July 10th. And we are driving to the closing. And I feel sick and angry and bristled. Being hurt is not cool. Learning life lessons is not cool.
Through the long process some women have really invested in me and prayed for me and reached out. Which is exactly what I needed them to do, (but I was for dang sure not gonna ask.)
And I wasn't asking God anymore either. This pain was so similar to when my dad was dying and my family was falling apart. Just like then, I was tired of praying about it and making hard decisions to honor Him and put my family first when it all felt like every decision was slamming back in my face! I was ready to RUN. Bristled. Angry. Hurt. (And not feeling very nice).
But I'm not gonna run this time. I'm not going to turn away from God and reject the people that are selfish and hurtful. I'm not going to stop reading my bible and seeking His truth and striving to honor Him when I feel like I can't get myself off the floor.
You know why? Because of my soul sister and my Holla mommas. These women who didn't forget me or let me be alone. They reached out at odd (but perfect) times. They stayed the course when I was drying up on the inside. They KNEW how to love me when I don't want to be loved. They thought I was worth their investment of time and love and prayer.
They are the hands and feet of Jesus. They carried me to his feet instead of letting me stay slumped against the wall. They carried me with prayers and encouragement and real friendship.
I still feel a little broken and raw.
But I'm not running this time. Thank you soul sister and Holla mommas for holding me up when I couldn't handle it anymore. You honor Jesus with your friendship. I am eternally grateful!!
Joyfully full of it....one step at a time.
My soul sister has beautiful words this month about her people. Jump over to her post about her village via the link below.