Thursday, February 19, 2015

Cancelled Pity Party

I cried yesterday. I don't cry. But all of the sudden I realized I'm moving, leaving, departing, separating, changing, and following God's new plan for my life. This includes leaving my beautiful friends and my lovely church family. It's painful. It's not cool. But it's necessary in order to stay on this unexpected path God has laid before my family. 

However, I need you to know that it's not about me. It's something that is so easy to forget. And it sounds so vain, but it really just sneaks in and plants itself right in the middle of the mess and before you know it...I'm back to thinking it is about me. But it is not.

We are moving. Changing. *And hopefully growing. 

I feel like we have been faithful to follow where God is leading. Even if we don't want to go. And we have prayed more about this than our first born child. (Sorry, don't be shocked... he showed up at the end of the decade long "Jesus Sabbatical"...) 

Yesterday I was slapped hard. And punched in the gut. Not literally but the feelings equaled any physical punches I could experience. 

It wasn't on purpose - (even if CRAZY was screaming how "unfair" and "mean" it was). 

It was appropriate. 

It was from the church (Gasp). 

And it was the right thing to do. 

No matter how I feel about how it was handled or communicated. It still turns out to be appropriate and what church leadership feels appropriate. Even if I feel it's not "right", if I am going to be a part of a faith community, I MUST respect the leadership and the decisions they prayerfully make. 


That's my role as a member of the community. To love God so much and trust who he has in authority and trust that they prayerfully consider every decision way more that I do especially when it's not about me. 


I won't. 

He can't use our God-led change to mess up stuff and hurt feelings and make people question the church or its leaders or the awesome plans we have made. I won't allow it. I still have high expectations that He will show up and bless the work done.

IT's not about me. It's about God and the work the beautiful people of our church are doing to tell others about the love and saving power of Jesus Christ. 

Because it is about HIM. Thankfully, it's all about HIM and what he has done for us. 

Whew, I feel better now that it's not about me anymore.

Joyfully full of it.


**These pictures are from our Compassion tour. A beautiful gentle reminder that the world is bigger than what I can see and there is real hurt and pain going on in places I could never imagine. And not about me. 😊

For more info on Compassion go to:

Friday, February 13, 2015

Stupid Grown Up Stuff

I didn't go to many funerals going up. I only remember one, Michael Anthony's mom. And I remember I cried like I actually knew her but my grief was the unknown. I didn't how to be sad and how to be in the presence of such sadness and no sob. I also remember a girl named Robin had on a beautiful yellow dress. 

My dad died on October 12, 2011. It wasn't a surprise. He was sick for a long time. He was never the same after his stroke and I feel like I grieved the loss of him before he actually left. Which was just bizarre. (Thank goodness for a good therapist) 

Anyway, my friend lost her mom this week. It wasn't a long battle like we faced but that doesn't make it any easier or harder. I honestly don't know which is better. Our long time with dad was exhausting and painful and drug out forever. But in the end we could see God working and weaving through all the madness that consumed our world for what felt like forever. 

So what I want to say is that death and loss is tragic and terrible. It can be the oddest experience of your life. The problem is that is doesn't look the same for anyone. And everyone has an opinion on how well you are "handling it" or how you are handling it "too well". What does that even mean? 

Even my brother and sister faced it differently than I did. They are more private and reserved. I am the opposite. Talking helped me work it out. I think they cried more than i let people think I did. (But I'm super tough and so what do you expect). 

My point is that sad stuff doesn't make sense. Nothing equips us for loss. Whether it's the loss of a parent or a child. The loss of a spouse through divorce or just a really bad break up. It sucks. 

Sometimes being a grown up just sucks. I'm sorry. If I could fix it, I would. So for today, I'm sharing the text I sent my friend today. As I read back through (to make sure I didn't sound like an idiot) I was struck with the thought that this might apply to you for a completely different reason. And if I can take an opportunity to ease some pain that is sucking the life out of you, then I'm on it.

"I love you. Today will be crazy and surreal. It's okay to be tough. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be pissed off. It's okay to find joy today. No one grieves the same. It's different for every single person. And someone will think you aren't doing it right. At some point Hubs will think you may be going crazy. And you might be.... But one day you will realize that you are no longer counting the days... And then you will stop counting the weeks. And then you will blank on the date that you feel like was a "game changer". Tell Hubs when you need a hug or a goofy smile...every time you need it. Let him comfort you in that weird awkward way that men comfort their grieving (crazy) wives. And Every step cling to Jesus. Tell him you are mad, sad, okay, not okay. This week and day was not a surprise to him. And your beautiful mother has great peace that I pray you feel a touch of today."

May you be filled with Joy and Peace today...just because. 

Joyfully Full of It!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Reading Obsession

I like to read a lot. Sometimes instead of parenting. (We call it extra homework time). So last week I finished another great book. It was one of those that read quickly and I was drawn to the characters and story line. I like the books that suck you in and make you feel. I like finding minutes in the day to get back to what's happening in the story. 

As I sit this morning catching up on my bible reading that didn't happen because of the above mentioned book....I realized that I should crave God's word more than the books I devour so quickly. The Bible is FULL of stories of love, lust, loss, heartache, redemption, joy, and even dancing. This should be the book I go to when I find and extra minute to read. This is the book my children should see in my hands during extra homework time. (Not my phone where I've been downloading I needed another excuse to have the stupid thing in my hand.) 

I have the next book to read in my phone now. But I'm going to commit to reading God's word first, not after the next chapter of whatever book I'm reading. 

And I'm praying for a burning desire to read God's word, for God to meet me wherever I am and be honored with the time I spend there. 

Because being 3 days behind on a bible reading plan but finished with an entire book is really not one of my goals! 


Thursday, February 5, 2015

She won't stop talking

No, not Katelynn. That's not the she you assumed I was talking about. I'm referring to Crazy. The chick in my head.  We've discussed how mean she is but have we talked about her constant talking. (So I don't know where my daughter gets it...)

I've lost the hearing in my left ear. It's temporary (I hope) but it's left me with a constant cricket noise. Put some cotton in your ear for a day and you'll understand.

So here's what I've noticed with the silence. Crazy sings a lot. And she talks. The words she says and the songs she sings are directly related to the words I read and the songs I hear and the tv shows I watch. This morning I woke up and she started singing Kari Jobi's song I am not along. (Check it out on YouTube, it's fantastic) 

It's a beautiful way to wake up. The more time I spend listening and reading this that would honor God, the quieter Crazy's mean side is. 

Silence your Crazy today. Read God's word. Listen to some good soul lifting music. Let's see if the words and songs running around in your brain will uplift you today. And those around you. When Crazy is singing worship songs, it's a lot easier to be nice to my people. 

Does it work for you too?

Joyfully full of it,

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

It's not a holiday

Everyone that has a blog started back up as a New Years resolutions.... I didn't. I avoided it. I also didn't start on February 1 or even Groundhog Day. Starting back on a random, not holiday is more my style. Less expectations for excellence on a Tuesday. 

We have a lot going on and I am amazed at how God is moving. I have started a post several times. It just hasn't been typed up. 

So here's my start. I'm a book collector. (Dare I say nerd) I read a lot. But more than reading, I collect books I want to read. My Amazon wish list grows and grows. I'm always looking for the next series to read. And it has to be youth fiction so I know all the words and don't have to know any of the grown up s-e-x stuff. 

Recently my book collecting has taken a turn and has been more mature and unselfish subject matter. (Please note that this is at the collection phase...not yet reading. That would mean growth etc....)

Less. Quality over quantity. See the blessings I have. Gratitude. No comparison. Thankful. Sharing my blessings. 

See. Grown up. Not selfish. Not me.

So here is part of my collection. 

(Like my yellow blanket...blogging from my chair is lazy. I'm okay with that)

This has been started. And has been good. The first part of the book is about living well. No money or budgeting involved. Living well. This has helped me identify some yuck that is hanging on. I haven't gotten to the spending less part (I may lose interest when I have to actually grow and make changes...

And I enjoy Hannah Kelley's blog.

She has a monthly calendar that has been fun to attempt. 

And then this is where I'm going to be in March. 

Mutiny against excess. I read this before. It's a good read. Jen Hatmaker is my kind of girl. Sarcasm. Wit. Jesus. All things I speak fluently. But this time I'm in. Not just for the entertainment but for the change. For the less. For the quality. For the heartbreak and soul searching. For the better me that is somewhere in the near future. 

We will start the study in March. Let me know if you want to come. 

Less. Quality. Jesus. 

Joyfully full of it.